Too Scared To Tell
by EvilEdna42
Summary: Sam's thoughts during the season six episode "Metamorphosis"


Title: "Too Scared To Tell" 

Author: EvilEdna

Email: Romance, post-ep vignette, missing scene (sort of)

Disclaimer: I'm just taking them out to play, to be returned right on curfew. Well, I may keep Jonas for a while.  
Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions own them, really. And they're not bad parents. Not making any money, as evidenced by the tatty state of my clothes.

Episode related: Season Six "Metamorphosis"

Season: six

Pairing: Jack/Sam

Rating: PG

Warnings: None. Well, mild language, right at the beginning.

Summary: Sam's thoughts throughout the episode "Metamorphosis".

"Too Scared To Tell"

I have come to the conclusion that it's me, and not Jonas, who's the chickenshit.

How did I come to this (kinda surprising) conclusion?

When I was in that cage, near to death. When I could feel my internal organs begin to bubble, when I could feel the changes Nirriti had wrought with her machine. When all I wanted, other than a miraculous cure, was to tell Jack O'Neill how I felt, face to face.

But I didn't.

I tried, I really did. When he told me to get some sleep, adding "that's an order", I wanted to tell him, while I still could. Before I burst into a deluge of water like Ivanov. Instead, I glanced at Teal'c for confirmation before pillowing my head on Jack's shoulder.

It felt nice. In spite of being absolutely terrified about what was going to happen to me, a part of my brain was cataloguing all the small sensations. The roughness of his uniform under my cheek, the heat of his body rising through it. His unique smell, a mixture of soap and the smell of a physically active body. I wanted to stay there for my last few hours of life, wanted those sensations to be the last I ever felt.

Behind me, Ivanov burst.

There were two thoughts in my head. That it was going to happen to me. And, shamefully, why did he have to pop at that exact moment? I'm not proud of what I thought, but I couldn't help it. I've always thought that human beings are intrinsically selfish, and that second of self-pity certainly seemed to prove it.

Later, as the pain became too much, Jack sat beside me on that narrow bed and tried his best to comfort me.

"You'll be okay, Carter. We'll find some way to fix this." I could see the concern for me in his eyes, could hear the anguish in his voice, however hard he tried to hide it. I reached out and grasped his hand, trying to smile.

"I don't think there's going to be any last minute rescues this time, Sir." My voice sounded gruff, it had a catch in it due to the pain and whatever Nirriti had done to me.

"Well, we just have to believe that there will be. You can't give up, Carter, you have to keep fighting."

I tried to laugh, but it came out as a wheeze.

"Sir, I'm not giving up. But I think my body wants to."

Jack clenched his fist, but the hand holding mine remained gentle. It was hard for this man to accept, that there was something out there that he couldn't fight, something that he couldn't fix. That no matter how hard he fought, he couldn't save me. Not this time.

I think it was then that I lost consciousness.

When I came to, Jack was lifting me from my bed. I felt, quite literally, like living death. My nerve endings were screaming with pain, trying to transmit messages from organs no longer in their right place, no longer even in their right shape. My body was slick with fluid, and I knew that I was near the end.

He saved me.

After stepping out of the machine for the second time, I felt amazing. My body felt as though it had been put to rights, there was no longer a feeling of wrongness seeping through my flesh. I thanked the two misshapen angels in front of me and stepped back, wanting desperately to thank the Colonel, but knowing it would embarrass him. He'd already started wisecracking, a sure sign he didn't want to talk about it.

Back at the SGC, he turned to me as we made our way to the infirmary.

"I told you we'd get you out of there." He smiled, looking pleased with himself.

"You did," I confirmed, not knowing what else to say.

"Bearing in mind that I've now been proven right, oh, say, about 80 of the time, do you think you could stop arguing with me now?"

"Sir, I think that would cause the world to spin off its axis."

The Colonel nodded.

"Just checking." He started to whistle, hands in pockets. I smiled.

It was good to be home.

END


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